Me, not so much a morning person.
My son gets up at 8am, but he’s super good about it though. I hear him playing on the baby monitor, he talks to himself or plays with his toys. I lay in bed another fifteen or twenty minutes then go get him. He’s so happy in the morning. He beams at me and says “Good morning mom!” We come out to the living room and eat breakfast in front of Netflix. He has toast, pop tarts or fruit and watches Cars or Special Agent Oso. I have my slimfast at the computer while I check my messages. All is well, for about twenty minutes.
I know a good mother would cook breakfast. We’d sit at the table, with the tv off, and enjoy a meal together. There are two problems with this. First, he doesn’t eat breakfast foods, so it’s really a waste of time. No eggs, bacon, pancakes; nothin. Second, I’m not entirely awake yet, and it takes me time to clear my head and prepare for the day. So I check my messages, in relative silence. It might be the only time all day I will be left alone for five minutes.
Some days it’s tough. Today, for instance. I’m checking my messages, I Just want to be alone with my coffee and see what the rest of the world is doing. (I hardly ever get out of the house) My son wants to find his red helicopter. He tugs on my arms at the computer so I can’t type or use the mouse. He yells over and over ‘Where’s red helicopter?’ I tell him to give mum a minute, go look in his room and I’ll be right there. But no. He understands, he’s just got a toddler’s impatience. He wants it now. He wants mom to help him now.
This is probably not even a hiccup in a normal mother’s daily routine. She’d drop what she was doing, and go into his room with him and find the red helicopter. He’d be happy and she’d go back to what she was doing. My brain doesn’t work that way. I just get irritated, irrationally and overly irritated. I’m irritated that my morning routine got interrupted, I’m irritated that I’m even up at eight am. I haven’t been getting much sleep, my husband just started working the night shift and when he’s not home in bed with me I’m up every couple of hours, and getting really restless sleep in between. So today, it’s especially irritating. I just want him to sit on his little couch, watch Cars and eat his breakfast.
Most moms, I believe, aren’t so selfish.
So he’s tugging at my arm, screaming about his red helicopter. I’m taking deep breaths and trying to talk to him in a calm manner. (Don’t yell at him, don’t yell at him) He’s not doing anything wrong, he just wants his toy. My mind knows what’s best, just go look for the helicopter. My ‘nature’ is fighting it, saying ‘I just want to check my messages and drink my coffee damn it!’
Deep breaths. Don’t yell. Go look for helicopter.
We don’t find it, but somewhere along the lines something on tv gets his attention. He’s back to his show, he’s content. And now I’m back at the computer. Pat on the back, I didn’t overreact to having my morning ritual interrupted. I didn’t raise my voice. My son is still a happy camper.
These are the challenges I face every day. Sometimes all I want is something for myself. To check my messages, to work on a project, to read a couple chapters, to get out and go shopping alone. ALONE. I really need to be alone sometimes. But for about fourteen hours a day, I have these responsibilities. Take care of the lil dude, who’s in the terrible two’s and needs almost constant attention to avoid a nuclear explosion. Clean the house. Feed people. (My husband normally takes care of dinner, I mainly just focus on lunch)
I was able to steer clear of an episode this morning. Who knows, two hours from now, five hours from now, there might be another opportunity to have one. Which reminds me, I haven’t taken my medication yet this morning. I’ve been on medication for about five years give or take. I stopped taking it while I was pregnant and breast feeding but I’m back on it now. An anti depressant. I suppose it helps, I can tell because if I haven’t had it that day, I’ll start to notice that I’m even more irritable in the evening than I would be if I’d have taken it. That’s normally when I realize I forgot.
So I’m off, to face the day. To fend off toddler tantrums, boredom and anxiety attacks. It’s a never ending battle.