I am on a never ending quest to fix myself. I don’t see a professionl, I don’t take mood altering medications. Part of being a borderline is pushing people away, making sure all of your relationships are unstable, expecting people to leave you. When I understand this, I can take steps to prevent pushing people, one of which is being more careful about what I say when I’m angry. Another part of being borderline is being angry a lot. Airgo, I spend a lot of time very carefully selecting my words. And a lot of energy holding back.
Take this week for example. We are potty training our three year old. Many attemps have failed, this time we are sticking to our guns, and saying the diapers are just gone.
It has been an extremely hard week for me. Every second I am trying not to explode. And I feel like I’m not getting any help.
Yesterday my anxiety level was through the roof. Here are a few of the things I almost said to my husband yesterday and today.
“Are you going to get out of bed and help me or am I going to go slit my wrists?”
“After the god aweful shitty day I had yesterday you can’t get your ass out of bed this morning so I can get a little fuckin sleep?”
I feel like all he does is sleep, and all I do is potty train.
I’m so tired of the two of us pretending I don’t have a problem. Just because I’m not currently getting help doesn’t mean I’m better. I need to do something drastic like bang my head on the wall so hard I have a bump for weeks, or threaten suicide, before I can get any help with anything.
That might be a post for another day. Today I’m talking about the things I don’t say. I didn’t say any of those things to him, or many more, and I don’t tell him I feel like he ignores my problem. I want to say “you married me, you chose to have a child with me, knowing this is who I am, and that I will need help sometimes.” But i don’t.
I don’t say these things, because I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want him harboring resentment towards me, I am trying to avoid a meltdown of our relationship. I don’t want to push him away. The nineteen to twenty four year old me would be saying these things without a thought, but she was friendless and depressed, so she had to change.