Tag Archives: stress

Groceries? What’s that?

We’re not good grocery shoppers. We either go when we’re hungry and get EVERYTHING we see, or we just meander down the aisles of the grocery store wondering what the hell to buy. 

I’m not a bad cook by any means. And I like to cook for my family. But I don’t do it often, for one big reason. My husband and son won’t eat it. Then I’m sitting there eating alone, with more leftovers than I can eat before they turn green and fuzzy. We just don’t like the same foods. 

Today I decided to hell with it. I made a list, for realz! 

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We decided since I was cooking stuff the hubs probably wouldn’t like, we invited his dad, step mom and little brother over for dinner.  These things stress me out like you wouldn’t believe. They’re coming into my home, eating my food, watching my behavior. I’m always worried about being judged. I’m from a tiny family, I can count everyone on two hands. There wasn’t a whole lot of gossip. But the husband’s family is HUGE, and prone to gossip. 

So I’m freaking out, I’m running out of time to get the chicken in the oven, and realize I grabbed the wrong cans of beans. There was a moment, there was swearing, and I almost punched the fridge, but I didn’t. Deep breaths, think. My husband offered to go to the store and get the right beans. And he called his dad and pushed dinner back a half hour. Sometimes, he’s so awesome. 

I made a heck of a good meal, everyone was happy. The house was clean, because my husband helped me clean it. I’m wondering why he’s building a pile of brownie points? But anyway I’m pretty sure there’s not going to be any gossip about me tomorrow. So I think it was a success. And I’m looking forward to making meals for the rest of the week. You know, because I had a list. Because, every time I make a list of dinners they get made. Every night. 

Not sure if you picked up on the sarcasm in my text. 

I made this, which is awesome. I didn’t get a picture of mine, I was in too much of a hurry to feed everyone. And I kinda feel like people think I’m weird for wanting to photograph my dinner. 
Click the pic to see the recipe!

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Motherhood Vs. Adventures in Babysitting

I don’t know what I was thinking. Telling my sister in law that I’d babysit their baby when she went back to work. Well, I know what I was thinking, I just think it was a momentary lack of sanity. With my condition, how could I possibly think it was a good idea?

Some women are just born to raise a brood of kids. Handling more than one kid at a time comes naturally. Being nurturing, having all the right mothering instincts. It doesn’t come natural to me. I have to work at being affectionate more than other people do. And I get more easily irritated than those women who are natural born mothers. 

I love my son, and we’ve been thinking about having a second child. So I said I’d babysit, thinking it would be good practice, having a baby in the house. Good for us as caretakers, good for my son as a toddler. I knew it would be trying. 

With my emotions on edge, as they are with BPD, it’s more trying for me than it should be. When my son was an infant and he cried, there was still the overwhelming love for him, so I could push past the irritating wails. With my niece, as adorable as she is, it’s lacking the overwhelming love and the wails get to me faster than they did with my son. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great baby, well behaved and easy to take care of. But now she’s teething, and it’s a whole new story. 

We only have her for five hours a day. I keep telling myself, five hours. Get past it, then it’s done. A small blip in time. So far I’ve done well. Yesterday was the first difficult day. My husband is home for seven days then works seven days. He’s on his seven days off, and I feel like I should get a little more help. It’s almost like, this is my job, not his, so I need to do everything. Yesterday, I had to ask him to hold her so I could eat some lunch because I was feeling light headed. She wasn’t letting me put her down because she’s teething. I held her for a collective four hours yesterday. 

But why did I feel so guilty for asking him to hold her for five minutes? Because I feel like he doesn’t want to help me, because it’s my job and not his. Even though he encouraged it, because they’re paying me. (Very little, but it’s family) He wanted the extra cash, no matter how difficult it is for me to be around two kids for half of my day. But he doesn’t want to volunteer any help. 

Sigh. That’s getting into a whole new story for a whole new day. 

I’m hoping today goes better. Yesterday put me in a bad mood because of the teething, and the mood lasted all day. 

Hope today is better. That’s all I can do, hope. 

But the good news is that my son is really good with her. He doesn’t interact with a lot of other kids, but when he does he’s really good. I’m very proud of him.

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