I already know that I don’t think and feel the same ways as other people. I really wish I did. Sometimes I find myself going completely numb, I think it’s a coping mechanism, because feeling numb is better than the alternative.
I get this way sometimes when I’m babysitting my niece. She’s teething, and she’s spoiled. When she’s here I can’t put her down. So there’s five hours where I can’t do anything, even go pee, without her going nuclear. If I put her down she screams. Lately she’s been inconsolable, you can give her teethers, try to feed her, walk with her, change her diaper. When there’s nothing you can do, you just listen to her scream. I go numb, instead of getting mad.
My son is almost three. He’s been going to bed regularly on time since he was about one. Just last night he’s started this new thing where he screams until I go in there. When I ask what’s wrong, he says “Nothin.” I kiss him and walk out, and he screams again. I don’t like giving in to bad behavior, tantrums, crying. (Unless he honest to God needs something) So I let him cry.
Last night I finally gave in and went into his room and lay on the floor for forty five minutes until he fell asleep. Today I was in there for forty minutes and he was still up. I don’t want that to be a habit, so I kissed him goodnight and left. He’s still screaming. He’s been in bed since eight thirty five, and it’s now ten twenty six, and he’s still crying. It doesn’t help that my husband keeps going in there. Now my husband is at work, and my son is screaming for dad.
And I’ve gone numb again.
In my head, I’m banging my head on the wall, I’m punching windows to make my knuckles bleed, throwing things, screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. It’s so hard not to do all those things right now. Going numb is the only way to keep them from happening. From hurting myself or someone else. From screaming. My husband has called it ‘checking out.’ I know he doesn’t like it, because if he’s home that means he’s the one who’s trying to fix the problems. Make the crying stop. I don’t think he understands my alternative. The alternative is seeing red, blood pounding in my ears, breaking things, and hurting myself.
No picture for today’s post. There are no pictures for this.
Motherhood Vs. 
September 24th, 2013 at 5:54 am
Do you ever actually perform self-harming acts? Or is it just all in your head? I am just curious as I try to better understand what it’s like to having borderline personality disorder.
September 24th, 2013 at 5:52 pm
I have, mostly in the past. I did a lot of self mutilation in high school, and very little afterwards. Once you’re an adult you realize that you’re hurting your friends and family, and a lot of the time that will take precedence over the need to hurt yourself. Very rarely, now, I’ll bang my head on the wall before I can stop myself. I never let my son see it, I manage to cling to enough sense in my rage to get out of his sight first. I can’t imagine what seeing a parent do that kind of thing could do to a young kid.
October 3rd, 2013 at 3:47 am
I just want to say that from the little I know about you, I am very impressed at how hard you are trying to overcome this illness you have. I know that can’t be easy at all. I can’t even begin to fathom what it’s like—not at all. But I just want to say having lived with a borderline mother all my life, it really does mess with your head when you see and hear bad emotional behaviors that normal mothers don’t possess. I honestly and sincerely applaud you for stopping to thinking about what your behavior does to those around you, and I think that that is going to make a HUGE difference in your life. I don’t think my mother thinks about how her behavior affects other people, and that’s why my brothers and I fear she will never truly overcome her illness. Granted, she has never self-harmed herself, but she used to be physically violent when I was a very young child. She has stopped that part when my dad first threatened to divorce her, but now she is still very verbally abusive and manipulative and demeaning. All she does is seem to think of herself and not how what she does is hurting the people around her. So, I commend you for your effort to understand your illness and how it affects the people around you.
Also, in case your interested, my therapist recommended a fabulous book to me. It’s called “Understanding the Borderline Mother”. I think it’s directed more towards people like me who live with a borderline mother, but I think it would give you perspective to how it affects someone in my position. But it also goes into great detail about what borderline mothers think and why they behave the way they do. I find the book very interesting.
February 13th, 2014 at 1:10 am
I’m going to look this book up right now. Thank you!
February 13th, 2014 at 5:51 pm
You are very welcome! I hope it helps. I do truly admire you for your efforts to improve yourself. What kills me about my mother is that she doesn’t want to admit that she has a problem, so we can never get her the help that she really needs.
October 3rd, 2013 at 3:54 am
*you’re interested